[Editorial] Conspiracy Theories Suddenly Popular Again, Still not Correct

By Nor Farri, Volus Financial Biannual

It looks like it’s that time of year again, folks. The universe has quieted down, there aren’t any major conflicts going on, politics has achieved a quiet murmur in the background, and the crazies are suddenly looking for stuff to rant and rave about. That’s right, tribesmen; it’s conspiracy theory time.

The latest conspiracy of the day (or du jour, as the earthlings seem to say) is of that old volus standby, the Volanti. That’s right, folks, the Volanti have returned. Well, so says Strange Matters Blog, Voice of Omega Radio, Bizarre Universe, and every other crazy person with an extranet radioblog account and a two-credit transmitter. So convert your credits into local precious metals, lock up your valuables, and keep an eye open for the secret cephalopodian servants of the Volanti, the octopoids!

In case you’re a primitive species, such as a vorcha or a fan of Johnny Horrorshow, that was sarcasm. Seriously, the local yogurt salesman is more dangerous than the ‘Volanti.’

For those of you who haven’t been obsessed about paranoid delusions, the Volanti is supposedly a secret order of very rich volus bankers who controls the conversion rates of credits in the known galaxy and use the immense amount of money at their fingers to control the universe and blah blah blah, you’ve heard it before. It’s a standard paranoid delusion, once common across many cultures. The humans had their version with the Illuminati, the asari with the Protheanites, the turians with the Zeroth Legion, etcetra etc. Why the Volanti has persisted all these years when all these other delusions have been disproven time and time again is anyone’s guess. I guess there are certain individuals who think my species - which, I may remind you, is a client race - is in charge of the universe. I would like to point out that right now, the Vol Protectorate is going through our third civil recession since the damned rebuilding, that we’ve had to restructure the credit layout limits twice in favor of other species, and that we’re living largely off of mining subsidies right now. Doesn’t sound like a nation of secret rulers to me.

So the next time someone comes to you at the ammonia cooler and asks you if you’ve heard of the Volanti - or, even worse, if they ask you if you ARE a member of the Volanti - just show them this article, tell them to go back to the Xela Enosj show, and remind them that if there is some superior organization in charge of the universe, they’re doing a piss-poor job.

VFB Editor,

Nor Farri

Uh-huh. See, see, this is just the disinformation process. Once they start telling what isn't real, that's when you have to start wondering if it really is.

Remember folks; everybody thought the Reapers weren't real. Just because they say one thing doesn't mean the opposite isn't true.

Conspiracy is never out of date. Does it ever have off-season? But most of the time, the reality is either seriously boring or so fantastic, nobody would have thought about it. I mean, how many doomsday conspiracies were there? And them came the Reapers. I have never heard any theory even remotely close to that.
I mean, what would you have told someone claiming the...say, batarians had information on the Reapers already 50 years ago but told nobody? That's just too wicked even for a conspiracy.

There are lists on the extranet about all the secret societies supposedly ruling the galaxy. It's pages long.
But with one thing, Job is right. If you want to cover the truth, just place a story that's slightly crazier and nobody will look for the real thing anymore.

Sometimes, I think the worst thing the Reapers did was provide nutjobs with unneeded validation.

Yeah...

I'm probably going to file the volanti in the same category as "Special Projects is putting mind control substances in the nutripaste" and "there is a secret population of suitless quarians that are the ancestors of those who stayed with the geth after the Geth War"

Silly stuff.

I take a simple philosophy when it comes to conspiracy; When I have something to shoot, I'll care. Reapers were covered up, showed up, and got their collective ass handed to them. If these "Volanti" do the same, then the same should follow. >:]

We must've fought in a different war.


Says the fellow who won't tell anyone his name and redacts half of what he says instead of just not saying it. That's conspiracy theory material right there.

Well OK; it's wasn't quite that easy... Still, we're here and the Reapers aren't, right? I'd count that as a victory.

You know what they say on broken clocks?
But yes, that Volanti stuff is bullshit although I distinctly remember fighting giant sea food a year ago, but I persume that that was an unrelated conflict.

I just wonder why those conspiracy nuts do not go after theories that have at least some foundation in reality, like Cerberus off-shots or whatever the STG is doing these days. Alas, all this investigative energy wasted on "Volanti"...
Hm, maybe if there is a danger of being right, there is also a danger of it might come to bite them in the rear, see Reapers.

hey

hey

hey vents

hey

hey vents

yo vents

hey

hey

hey vents

veeeeeeeeents

...

are you a vollanis?

What? No. No, that's crazy talk. You're crazy. The jobo's crazy. You're all crazy. CRAZY. Crazy. No such thing. No.

No, go away.

Not in the slightest.

oh good 'cuz we got a strict no-vollanis policy thing i'm draftin' up fer da DDHEYWAITAMINUTE

DAT'S JUST WHAT A VOLLANIS WOULD SAY

NO THEY WOULDN'T

I MEAN, IF THEY EXISTED

WHICH THEY DON'T





FUCK YOU FATASS

Yes, we're alive, etc etc.

But the Reapers still exist. They're just helpful now. That's our 'victory'.

HOLY SHIT-PISSING FUCK YER A VORRANIS

LOOK EVERYONE

VENTS IS A VORRANIS

hey you got enny secret ring shit

or, like, tats on yer butt

[STT: Garbled sounds, anger, general frustration, the rhythmic sound of a gun being loaded.]

brb raiding da kickball's office

... In any event, crazed volus psychopaths or not, this is the same story we've heard a hundred times. There is no all-encompassing government in charge of anything, no secret world behind the curtain. Okay, maybe Cerberus, but they're shrelling dead, right? About as dangerous as a bunch of shriners in their little... those human hats... dezzes. Dangerous as shriners in dezzes.

Fezzes. I think? Humans have a lot of hats.

Um. Wow.

He really takes this seriously.

I am worried that he might injure himself... nah, I am not, but if one of them ends up getting shot it would better be the krogan. For the krogan gene pool, for the quality of the entertainment products, his employees... the list goes on.