Storytime with Reem: Fat chicks in a bath-house

Edited, to meet regulations.

(don't take that one out of context. That'd just be too much.)

Halookatmeguys

I feel so original right now. Hahaha

LOLZ INTENSIFY

You definatly have an interesting character, and I can tell you take a lot of inspiration from dwik, as did I when I was developing this big, scaly knucklehead, but keep in mind not to go too far overboard. :)

No thanks, I think I'm good. To be safe, though, I'll lay off more fantastic claims.

Good decision, its always best to tone it down if you arent sure. Sorry if it seems like i am trying to press this on you, but id hate to see someone booted for being too imaginative

At the risk of being rude it is kinda too late for that.

Hi. I'm Sandy OOC. And while generally unsolicited criticism is a bit of a no-no if only for the fact that it can often come across as attacking I think it's worth biting the bullet here and filling you in.

So, without further ado, feedback goooooooooo:

1. OOC Comments: Stop it. No seriously stop it. Generally the OOC box is used for quick links to relevant stuff, and some discrete definition making or, in the case of the Guestbook thread, clarification and introduction. Anything more sizeable is relegated to the VL. Using it constantly for almost every post is breaking the flow of dialogue and writing at best and patronizing and self aggrandizing at worst. We really don’t need to hear how you think Reem is a badass or “LOL” or how he’s not really racist because he’s a pro-democracy freedom fighter and has alien friends (which doesn’t excuse him being racist and I second RedOuts point that no really that’s still racist and if you want him to be racist that’s fine but don’t act like it’s totally okay OOC because that’s kinda horrible). But the point is that we shouldn’t need contant clarification. Ever heard of show don’t tell? Yeah telling us he’s a freedom fighter or what have you kinda undermines the purpose of actually showing us. And if that side of him’s not coming across without the OOC then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate the character.

2. Humor: I get that you’ve seen what Dwick does and you really like it. I get that you like the idea of an irreverent vorcha giving all the other members shit. And that’s not bad in and of itself but...okay metaphor time. You’re having a nice, fancy, get together; cocktails, tiny little appetizers, classy suits and pretty dresses the whole nine yards.

And then a dude in a mankini runs through the party, covered in mud, and swinging a dead raccoon at the guests while shouting “AMERICA”.

Congratulations. It’s startling, it’s a non-sequitur, it’s even a little funny because of the incongruity of the situation (a fancy dinner party) and previously established atmosphere (classy).

Now imagine that happening another fifty times in succession. It rapidly goes from “maybe a little clever, I laughed” to “Oh God make it stop”. Humor primarily revolves around timing and delivery. You want a good example, check out Dwick himself. He’s rude, he’s crude, he’s socially unacceptable but he’s almost never just “lolrandom” and “grossout” like what’s basically happening in this thread. His stuff’s tailored to the situation and people at hand. And, if you look at some of his longer works, you’ll find that it’s actually much more commonly dark humor or surrealist humor instead of like Jackass 3-D.

Which actually neatly segues into my next point.

3. Contentless posts: You’re posting. You’re posting a lot. Good for you (!) and I do mean that seriously, a lot of times new members are uncertain about posting. The issue is that for all that you’re posting you’re not actually saying a lot. It’s endless variations of “Fuck you”, “lol you’re dumb”, and “la la la I can’t hear you”. And you know what? It’s frustrating, it’s obnoxious OOC because the only two options that are presented to players are either a. ignore you which isn’t exactly fun (you try writing around a single player whose posting in something like half a dozen different threads on the IC forums) or b. addressing you but that only ends up going back to the aforementioned responses of “fuck you”, “lol”, “can’t hear you” etc. You want to get involved, actually get involved in the forums? Make posts with arguments. Actual, reasoned out, arguments. Not impromptu nonsensical worldbuilding to back up your point. Not OOC justifications for it. But something with substance beyond “I based my character off an asshole so it’s okay” or “HIERARCHY ARE SOCIALIST NAZIS RON PAUL 2012”. That’s how you make people actually want to engage with you.

4. Worldbuilding: Protip: worldbuilding is encouraged and you have a lot of leeway with it. People have made up vehicles, organizational structures, political parties, planets, battles, and entire nations. You want to make something up? More power to you! But it does have to make some logical and consistent sense. With all due respect some of the stuff you’ve worldbuilt with Reem is...lacking in that regard. Vorcha are capable of being intelligent yes. Vorcha are scary fighters with a fascinating biology and cultural interests that stem primarily from a combat based method of communication. There’s a lot of cool things to use about the vorcha but that also carries with it recognition of some of their weakness that, frankly, make for the truly interesting development. They most commonly organize on the local level in nests and packs, and (in larger groups) dynastic bloodlines flourish in the near perpetual absence of any lasting or permanent structure (see: Heshtok). They are also treated like vermin by basically every other race in the galaxy.

So, what’s the point of this, why am I saying all this?

Because vorcha are interesting characters but they’re not the most secretly awesome things to ever awesome their way (awesomely) across the setting and win all the things all the time. Vorcha versus the Hierarchy aka the titanic military machine with a standing armed forces in the charitable billions? Vorcha die. Vorcha trying to set up their own district on the Citadel? Vorcha get rousted, driven out, and driven into the Foundations given that, you know, most places think of them as an infestation.

5. Character conceits: Good starting places for a character, bad finished product. I’m going to be brief on this one because, really, most of what I want to say can be summed up with a handful of questions. What does your atheist hanar do, like, or think besides “I’m atheist”? What’s Reem’s existence outside “rich, crude, pro-democracy, teenage vorcha”? What’s Kreb’s besides “Not Reem”?

6. Trying too hard: this is the big one and I’m pretty sure the root of most of the problems here. You read all this stuff, about Dwick, and Sundowner, and batarian slavers and mercenaries and corrupt executives and you want in. You want to participate and be a part of all these different, cool arcs. I get it. I can even empathize since that was basically me when I first joined. But uh a heads up here: most of that stuff grew over time, developed organically. Trying too hard to get involved in everything and reference all the things and trying to show “hey I totally know everything’s that going on” is basically like trying to force it to happen. And the harder you try to make something like that occur the more artificial and shallow it feels. Kinda similar to engineering cool moments. The best “cool moments” feel natural, they feel like something that could plausibly happen given the characters involved and the situation. Going “and then the apple cheeked farmboy picked up a katana and swordfought his way through legions of Cerberus cyberzombisoldiers while also firing a shotgun with his dick” does not for good RP make.

But yeah, you want to know how to get involved? Join the IRC. Read the advice thread. When you’re entering into threads respect or at least acknowledge the tone being set. Going “and then he called the cops to solve everything and there was a crowd around the two quarians going FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” isn’t only incongruous with everything that came before it’s also kinda rude, especially to the people who have spent a solid couple pages trying to build a tense, emotionally fraught atmosphere.

So yeah. This isn’t a dictation, this isn’t “THOU SHALT” this is advice from someone who's been here awhile and had his own share of seriously rough patches. I can’t and I won’t order you to do any of this I can only say that a. in my opinion they’re pretty good starting blocks for actually being a part of the community and b. you already got nailed with a day suspension and the boots only get bigger and progressively more steel toed from there.

Okay?

Okay.