THE SHORT HOUR S1E3: "the use of irony to mock or convey contempt"

[Drumroll.]

[DWICK (VO)] "AN' NOW IT'S TIME FER..."

[Crash.]

[DWICK (VO)] "DA SHORT HOUR ON DA DWICK DWICKCAST SYNDICATE!



[DWICK (VO)] "Featurin' crowd favorites, like...EIGHTBALL!!"

[More cue cards, each showing a caricature of the actor in question.]

[DWICK (VO)] "TAZUS ALRON! MENACRHO THE GREAT! PIROUETTE! Aaaaaaaaaaand...JORGAL DWICK! ASSHOLES AN' FUCKFACES, THIS IS
DA SHORT HOUR!"

---


[VO] “And now, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our special guest star, all the way from the DI Opera House of Umbaxi, Dekuuna...MENACHRO THE GREAT!”

[Raucous Applause. An elcor cheerfully plods onto a richly-gilded stage. He’s dressed in a snazzy black-and-gold set of bracers on his arms, a black bowtie and a gold chain hanging from his...sheet...hood...thing. He marches up to the microphone, tilts his head back slightly, and...gazes balefully at the audience.]

[MENACHRO] “Sunny: Thank you for the wonderful welcome. It is a...pleasure to be here, in wonderful Nos Astra today.”

[Applause.]

[MENACHRO] “Interrogative: So who here has not seen Apex C.” [Another applause, this time smaller.] “Encouraging: Come now, clap your hands if you haven’t seen Apex C.”

[The applause is slightly louder now.]

[MENACHRO] “Humorously chastising: What is wrong with you.” [Laughter.] “That movie is incredible.” [More laughter.] “Relating a humorous story: I saw that movie with my son on opening night and throughout the whole thing, he looked like this:”

[He stands there, as motionless as he has been for the last two minutes. There is small bout of laughter as different people pick up the “joke.”]

[MENACHRO] “Amused: Of course, that is how we all look to the rest of you.”

[He pauses for laughter. There is none.]

[MENACHRO] “Happily: Fortunately, I have brought along a set of cue vids for elcor-to-krogan expression translation. Enthusiastic: Hit it.”

[The opulent-looking decorations behind Menachro disappear as a vidscreen clicks on, showing Dwick’s devilishly-grinning face. The light on the screen flickers considerably, giving the impression that he’s watching a movie; every once in a while, he crams the Tuchankan equivalent of a Big Gulp (filled with Tupari, of course) to his mouth and chugs. It’s sort of like this, really.



Then the dialogue begins.]

[MOVIE] “Raporda, buğday, protein ve kalori kaynağı olarak dünyanın en önemli bitkisi olarak tanımlanıyor.
Ancak araştırmaya göre, pamuk, mısır ve soya fasulyesine verilen daha yüksek fiyatlar, gelişmekte olan ülkelerde buğdayı iklim değişikliğinin yarattığı baskıya karşı daha da zayıflatan topraklara iterek, zor bir gelecekle yüzleşmeye mahkum ediyor.
Özellikle güney Asya’da bir seçenek, bir dizi iklim baskısına dayanıklı olan manyok olabilir.”

[Dwick’s reaction.]



[[And on and on it goes....]

[OLD MAN FROM “APEX C”] “You don’t understand what you’re meddling with! You are evil to believe in the singularity concept of a God, for the whole universe and everything within is composed of opposites - which exist only as opposites with a zero of existence - and nothing as an entity!”



[Until...]

[VICE DIRECTOR-IN-CHIEF] “Excellent...but insufficiently vague.”

[Gasping from the film. Dwick’s scarred eye begins to twitch. He bares his teeth]

[PSEUDO DIONYSIUS THE AREOPAGITE] “Vague, sir?”

[VICE DIRECTOR-IN-CHIEF] “Vague.”

[Dwick rears to his feet, rearing an assault rifle.

[DWICK] “FUCK”

[He starts firing.]

[DWICK] “DIS”

[Screaming over the video clip]

DWICK: “SHIIIIIIIIII--”

[A stray bullet hits the camera, sending it to static. Laughter from the crowd as the screen turns off.

Menachro is motionless.]

[MENACHRO] “Amused: So that was how my son was when we saw it.”

[The laughter subsides quickly.]

[MENACHRO] “Explanatory: He was never one for thinking movies. He was always more of an All My Envirosuits fellow.” [Beat. No laughter.] “Joking: He never really got over how all the actors died in orbit around Rannoch.”

[Beat. No laughter. A faint thundering can be heard, way off stage.]

[MENACHRO] “Joking: In fact, he still calls me once a week, asking if I had recorded the latest episode.”

[He blinks stupidly at the camera. Apparently this was the joke. Still no laughter.

The thunder is rapidly increasing in volume.]

[MENACHRO] “Explaining: To which I have to remind him ‘Persistent: No, son, because your favorite show has been canc--’”

[Menachro’s speech is cut off by Dwick flying onto the set and punching him straight in the face.]

[DWICK] “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--”

[He rears around, grabbing stage materials and hurling them at the hapless elcor.]

[DWICK] “APEX SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE---”

[He draws back a massive fist - and looks at the camera, his murderous face dropping for just a moment.]

[DWICK] “--Is actually purty good. Go see it.”

[He mugs for the camera- then swings hard with a bellow, flying off stage with the force of his own punch. The camera sits there, watching the scene vibrate with the force of destruction and recording the audience’s laughter and Menachro’s plaintive shouts of “Plaintive: Aughhhhhhhh,” before finally fading to black.]

Why aren't there more krogan-run entertainment networks? You guys are geniuses.

I never took Dwick as being incapable of taking a joke. Or well, a bad one anyway.

Never understood the concept of an elcor comedian anyways.

Eh. I've seen worse stand up than that. Especially from guys trying to joke themselves out of handcuffs after you've busted them. Though, it's at least funny watching them think they still have a chance at getting out of whatever they did. Ha! Making me laugh just thinking about it...

Ahh, I miss being a beat cop.

The punch line, of course, is that Menachro was probably killing - but you couldn't actually hear most of the audience laughing.

Because, you know.

Elcor.

Anybody else's translator glitching?

I'm getting something about...soybeans.

This is the funniest shit.

No wait it's wheat; something about wheat.

Or perhaps...climate change?

That is one crazy volus.

This believes that the doctor Oarlock should change its profession to the most honorable position of mechanic. As it --and it does not intend to be rude and apologizes most profusely if it appears to be so-- appears to not be suited for the task of doctor.

I get the feeling that Cerberus had similar medical doctrine.

And I thought Dr. Baius was a quack...

[Two children, both humans, both hang around next to an alleyway. After a moment of examination, it’s obvious that this ‘alleyway’ is actually a pair of plastic construction slats painted with a ghastly brick pattern, all assembled on a very dark sound-stage that hasn’t removed all the pieces from the last advertisement yet; you can see plascrete blocks and omnifabbed rods half-hidden by the black cloth in the background. Even worse, someone’s done graffiti on the alleyways - as in, someone’s actually spray-painted the word “GRAFFITI” on the wall, along with a terribly drawn skull and a smiley face with X’s in its eyes. It is possibly the least convincing alleyway ever designed by man.

Somehow, we’re expected to accept this as “frightening,” as two young children - both human - wander into the set with wide, open eyes and a curious tip-toeing stride.]

[CHILD #1] “Woooooooooow.”

[The first child looks at the second, big beady eyes, and grins.]

[CHILD #2] “See? I told you this place was awesome!”

[CHILD #1] “You weren’t kidding! But I’ve heard some bad things about it, too--”

CHILD #2] “Aw, come on! You’re jus’ saying that ‘cuz you’re scared.”

[Suddenly, a vorcha in sunglasses, a slouch hat, and an honest-to-god black leather trenchcoat pops out of the alley. The vorcha looks left, then right, and then leans in to look at the kids. The camera zooms in on him as he grins widely, showing off his impressive gold-grilled dental work.]

[VORCHA] “Raaaaaaaaah! Hello small hu-mans! Are you looking for good time, yes?!”

[Child #2 shies away from him, but Child #1 stands his ground, grinning.]

[CHILD #2] “Yeah!”

[CHILD #1] “I d-d-dunno, Pete, this guy looks scary!””

[”Pete” laughs.]

[PETE] “Chandler, you’re such a wuss.”

[Pete laughs again. It sounds so very artificial - especially when the vorcha joins in.]

[VORCHA] “Raaaaaaaaaaaah! I is not scary! I bring fun times! Here, I show!”

[The vorcha opens his trenchcoat, and for a minute, the average viewer will probably think this is a completely different PSA - but instead, the vorcha shows the inner lining of his trenchcoat. It is literally bursting with drugs. Well, what we assume are drugs. In all honesty, all we see are a few twists of paper, some bags with multi-colored pill-shaped objects in them, several vials of colored liquids, and a few IV bags that have been clearly labeled in marker with the word “DRUGZ.” ]

[PETE] “AWESOME!”

[CHANDLER] “I don’t know, Pete. My dad says drugs are bad.”

[There’s a sudden burst of purple light, and both Dwick and Terrorbyte suddenly appear in the alleyway.]

[DWICK] “DAT’S ’CUZ DRUGS ARE BAD!”

[Terrorbyte suddenly hits the vorcha with a very real sledgehammer, sending the vorcha flying with a scream. It becomes incredibly obvious we’ve left reality at this point, because not only is there a volus beating the shit out of a vorcha, he’s doing so with yellow and red starbursts spinning madly in the background.

It’s at this point that the average viewer will suddenly realize what the Dwick&Terror duo are wearing - that is, a pair of ill-fitting, loud spandex outfits that look like they were assembled by colorblind vorcha in a sweatshop in the middle of an airless planet being attacked by a reaper, complete with a radioactive green “D” on Dwick’s chest and a radioactive green T on Terrorbyte’s chest.

They also both have gold chains around their necks. Why? We don’t know.]

[TERRORBYTE] “Take your *hssssk* dope elsewhere, dope!”

[Dwick grabs the vorcha and folds him in half. Literally.]

[DWICK] “YEAH! WE DON’T NEED YER FUCKIN’ BRAINSHIT HERE!”

[TERRORBYTE] “Careful, man, language.”

[VORCHA] “SKREEEEEEEEE!”

[Terrorbyte turns to the kids and shakes one chubby finger at them. The rest of the arm seems to wobble along with it. He proceeds to talk to them in the most scripted, patronizing, ‘I’m reading this off a teleprompter’ fashion possible.]

[TERRORBYTE] “Now, what’s all this *hssssk* hubbub! What are YOU kids doing *hssssk* out here at this time of night! Don’t you *hssssk* know it’s dangerous out here!?”

[”Pete” looks completely lost; his eyes have bugged out, and his mouth is making the biggest “OHHHHHH” expression possible. “Chandler” steps in front of him.]

[CHANDLER] “Well, Pete’s friend Skyler told us that there was some cool adventure stuff back here, and--”

[Dwick interrupts, speaking in the same teleprompted manner.]

[DWICK] “Turns ter face kid. Oh really, now?] What else’d he tell ya?”

[Dwick is still quite obviously facing away. The kids look at each other, confused, then barrel on.]

[PETE] “Well, he told us that all the cool kids were doing it, and if we wanted to be cool, we’d find the-”

[Alas, we never get to hear Pete finish that sentence, as Terrorbyte suddenly jumps all over his lines.]

[TERRORBYTE] “Hey, kid! Taking *hssssk* drugs doesn’t make you cool! Look at *hsssssk* us! We’re as clean as a double-u-histle, right? We don’t do drugs, and *hssssk* we own the [Static]-th largest media empire known in civilized space! That’s because we’re *hssssk* high on success.”

[DWICK] “Put da sunglasses...on...yer...face. Damn straight.”

[Suddenly, the most basic of beats starts to fill the speakers. It sounds like a dance beat as created by an out-of-touch third-rate producer who is desperately trying to remember what ‘hip’ means and has failed wildly. Sadly, Terrorbyte and Dwick are apparently from the same school. Because they immediately start to rap.

And not the good kind of rap.The lame kind of rap.]

[TERRORBYTE] “Well I’m Terrorbyte / And I’m here to say / That taking drugs / is not okay.”

[DWICK] “Drugs ain’t great / Mah name is Dwick / Takin’ dem drugs / Dey’ll jus’ make ya sick!”

[TERRORBYTE] “From sand to huff / from lime to speed / taking drugs / aint *hsssssk* what you need!”

[DWICK] “You wan’ get high? / Don’ snort a line / Tell ya what’cha gotta do / Dis is how you fly--”

[Terrorbyte suddenly mimes ‘scratching a record’ in mid-air just as the ‘beat’ starts scratching. Dwick, for his part, tries to do some krogan-style breakdancing - which, considering his weight, size, and general lack of acrobatic skills, is like watching a bull mount a fencepost. The camera zooms back in on Terrorbyte, who hasn’t stopped scratching records, even though the ‘scratching records’ stock sound effect has stopped.]

[TERRORBYTE] “You can drive a car / or read a book / or eat a pie / but don’t be a *hsssk* crook / if drugs are near / then don’t be there / just call a cop / and get out of there!”

[DWICK] “Think of yer ma / or even yer pa / you even try dem drugs / dey gon’ give you dere claw / Dat don’t scare you? / Well think on ‘dis / takin’ drugs / makes it burn ter piss!”

[They suddenly start flinging their arms at each other. After a few seconds, it becomes clear that they’re “summoning” something as the record scratches. Sparkles suddenly fill the air, and condense on each other; there is a flash, and then...



Eightball appears.

The rapping music stops, and instead we hear a sultry strum of a guitar. And yet Terrorbyte and Dwick keep dancing.]

[EIGHTBALL] “WEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL....”

[For a moment, everything seems to pause, and then Eightball launches into a bizarre, frenetic cross between a flamenco and the Major General’s aria.]

[EIGHTBALL] ”Don’t sniff glue, and don’t snort sand, and don’t shoot grava into your head / you should watch DDS, and then watch DDS, and then watch more DDS instead!”

[Inexplicably, a miniature locomotive chugs by in the background. Pirouette is mounted on the cab, clearly high as a kite (possibly even more so than Eightball). Seriously, her eyes are about 75% dilated pupil.]

[PIROUETTE] ”Or do COCAINE!!!”

[EIGHTBALL] ”Er, NO, under no circumstances, my miniaturized maharajahs, should you do cocaine! No, sir, the narcotics, they are a path to the palace of the lizard king, which is not a locale for the underaged to go a-toddling.”

[A conga line forms behind the singing Eightball, including Dwick, Terrorbyte, the kids, the vorcha drug dealer, and (inexplicably) the Jammin’ Moxie.]

[EIGHTBALL] ”So get high by watching DDS or spinning around in a swivel chair / But preferably DDS because it’s the best and I don’t really know what rhymes with chair / And when you use drugs then you become a less than premium individual / Because you are not having the currency to...”

[A pause.]

[EIGHTBALL] ”...reach...uh...John Sackpresident’s...level of...the celebrity...residual!”

[The music resumes.]

[EIGHTBALL] ”Oh man. I pulled our bacon out of the high pressure cooker there, my friends.”

[Dwick just chuckles evilly. Suddenly, like a rare fairy or illusion (or jump cut), Eightball disappears, leaving Terrorbyte and Dwick alone in the “alley” with the kids.

And the Jammin’ Moxie.

Strangely, Pirouette is taking her time leaving, stumbling back on the train and attempting to drive it off the set.]

[TERRORBYTE] “So, what did we learn today, *hssssk* kids?”

[PETE] “I learned that you guys are AWESOME!”

[In the background behind him, Dwick does a fistpump.]

[CHANDLER] “And I learned that I should spend less time doing drugs, and more time watching DDS!”

[TERRORBYTE] “That’s *hssssk* right! Always watch *hsssk* DDS. ALWAYS.”

[DWICK] “ALWAYS.”

[Dwick and Terror stand together and stare at the camera. A hypnotic spiral fades into view, spinning slowly.]

[DWICK & TERROR] “AAAAAAAALWAAAAAAAAYS.”

[Cut to black.]

I wonder how much they had to pay Eightball for him to say "Don't do drugs, kids."

The irony is that this segment is enhanced by watching it under the influence.

Well, half of a right message is better than no right message. Not that I'd let kids watch DDS, but at least they're trying at being socially redeeming. Kinda.

I just wish Dwick wouldn't keep wearing such tight clothing.


Pretty sure red sand can be bought pretty cheap.

...

That, was a public service announcement?

I need a drink. Or some of those drugs. Ugh.

Hey, I have a great idea, let Dwick direct a recruitment ad for a military or mercenary force.